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Showing posts from 2008

Waiting on God's Promises

I had a rough week, thinking about and feeling things I would rather leave alone. A sense of hopelessness, confusion and the desire to throw my hands in the air and crumble were gaining a much stronger foothold than I would like as well. Then something strange and good happened, and I am still trying to figure it all out. God spoke to me about his promises, though I'm still not quite sure which ones. I visited a new church Sunday morning, and the message was about waiting on God's promises. He was using the story of Simeon and Anna waiting to see the Messiah their whole lives until Christ finally came. The gist of it was that when God gives you a promise, he sometimes makes us wait, but he will always bring it to pass. He makes us wait for many reasons. To develop our character in patience, generosity and faith or because it is simply not time. His timing fits perfectly into his will and plan, which means we sometimes have to wait. I bawled like a baby in the service sensing t…


Letting go of the past. Striving towards the future. Living in the present. Living in the present. Living in the present. Living now. Cherishing what God has given me now. Seeking growth in the struggles. Resting my heart in his hands. Knowing he is God and fully able to complete his plans in me. He does have a plan, for the present and the future.

Out of control and in His will

What does God's sovereignty mean? I don't mean the definition; I mean in how I live my life, in how I understand what is going on around me. Do I truly believe that God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him, and that He is working out His will and purposes in every circumstance of my life? Bringing that concept down from theoretical belief to allowing it to take hold in my thoughts and reactions to circumstances is pretty difficult. Do I trust that whatever happens is in God's hands, and so believing, entrust them into His hands completely? How do I let go of control? How do I rest? I used to think I knew how to do this. I thought I was pretty good at it actually, but the more I experience difficult circumstances the more I realize I have an ingrained pattern of taking control when things seem to be out of control. Oh, Lord. How do I let go? How can I live wisely and at the same time give up control? I want you to be in control, but …


Wandering, waiting,
Asking, seeking,
Trusting, knowing,
Hoping, laughing.

His hand, my shoulder,
My heart, his hold,
His grip, my tear,
His strength, my rest.

Falling, falling,
Kneeling, curling,
Rocking, shaking,
Standing, rising.


Peace, peace,
Peace, peace,
Peace, need,


Love is so painful sometimes. We think it's not supposed to be. Love should be something that uplifts, not somethings that brings us down. Right? If our love is harmful to us, then why put up with it? Why invest in it? Why listen to it? Why not just get rid of it? Fill it up with anger or contempt. That would be easier. But love... love bleeds sometimes. It hemorrhages, and it just won't stop. The rejection of our love is what hurts. That someone would refuse to accept the most precious thing we have to give. I think about God. How God is calling, inviting, offering his love, which he sacrificed his life for in order to offer. And yet, we reject it, over and over again. Does he feel the same pain? Does he long for us like we long for others? I'm so sorry, Father. My love does not even come close to yours. Does that pain you? Or do you wait patiently, knowing simply that I am incapable of such love? Are you so secure in your own love, that my lack of it does not move you? W…

Letting Go

Letting go is hard. Of anything really. Especially for us eternal optimists and ever confident and hopeful souls. I tend to always believe the best will happen, and that things will work out pretty close to how I think they will. Most of the time I'm wrong, but nevertheless, I still keep hoping! Hope is a double-edged sword. When we are hoping in things that have a secure foundation, our hope is good and uplifting because it is based on truth. Hope that is not based on truth, however, can lead us down a desperate spiral that is very hard to get out of. When we cling to things that can crumble at any moment, when we gain our sense of security from things that change, our hope leads us astray. Breaking away from that hope is one of the most painful processes I know. We hope because whatever we are hoping for holds some promise of happiness or completion. When we finally realize that our hope is empty and that that which we long for is not going to come to pass, we must let go. Givin…

Ever tire?

Do you ever get tired of being strong? I do. I know that the Spirit is supposed to be my strength, but I still get tired. I'm tired right now of trying to feel or not feel or think or not think certain things. Maybe I'm not living His strength the way I could. Regardless, it is always such an effort to keep lifting my thoughts to Him, to continually refocus on Jesus. If it is God who does the strengthening, why do I continue to spend myself? I don't know, but I do know that thanksgiving and the presence of God change things. Next time you are down or tired try thinking, "God is HERE. Right now. Right beside me." I never would have guessed it, but that reality changes my whole perspective and makes me smile. Mmmm. Thanksgiving. It can be very difficult. And even more difficult to really mean. Not only, as my roommate said today, does gratitude release healing chemicals into our bodies, :o) it also demonstrates and fosters trust in God. We trust th…


Waiting... why is waiting so hard? Psalm 37 says:

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong... Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..."

When things don't make sense, God says, "Don't get all worked up about it and run arround crazy-like. Just keep doing good, being righteous, doing what I have called you to do. Trust me and wait." Our righteousness is not in vain; our obedience is not in vain. When life is evil, when people are evil, when everything we do seems to fall apart, God tells us to trust that he will bring about justice and goodness. That when our hearts delight in him, when we are acting out of obed…


I am amazed at how vulnerable I am to the circumstances around me! How one day I can feel strong and hopeful and confident in Christ who is my hope and joy; and the next I am so easily dragged down by fear or lust or insecurity or discouragement. God does not change. His sovereignty and provision, goodness and greatness are still the same. Why then does my heart change? Why should a person or a situation cause me pain and fear when God continues to be God and to be my Father. Jesus speaks into my heart and calls me back to Himself daily, hourly, but I insist on focusing on my discontent and complaints. There is more. I know there is more. And there is more now, not just in the future. The presence of God walking with me and the redemption of Christ lifting me give me the power to live fully in Him, humbled and overwhelmed by his neverending love. But I, I insist on desiring everything else that I think can satisfy, and consequently, am shattered by disillusionment daily whe…

Knowing love ~ the fullness of God

Ephesians 3:14-19
14For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,
15from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name,
16that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,
17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
18may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
19and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Wow, what an amazing prayer! I pray this for all of my friends and for myself as well. To be strengthened with power in my inner being through the Spirit. I could use a little of that. But the purpose of the strengthening? That Christ might dwell in our hearts through faith. Is not Christ already dwelling in their hearts? Maybe being strengthened with power works together with faith or produces greater faith allow…


Funny. I came to San Diego about two weeks ago and really didn't know how I would react to the newness. Typically, I love moves and new places. Not only do I love exploring and having endless new opportunities, I also like being able to start over. I like the fact that I can look back over my life in Marin for the past three years and decide to change some things. I can think about what I want to continue and what I definitely don't want to repeat. Oh, Lord, and then there are those things that I feel like I have no control over but really do not want to repeat. Such as boys. Well, ok, I have some control over that, but I'm pretty lousy at it. Then there are the things that were REALLY difficult but that taught me things I never expected, like my work in the Canal, which I loved but which showed me that I really know a lot less than I thought I did. I think what surprised me the most in my move was how much I have come to love my friends in Marin. As an M.K. I l…