Sunday, May 24, 2009

It is not good for man to be alone

I'm discovering more and more how much I dislike doing mission alone. I have done it. I have done it through the grace and strength of God, but he did not design me, anyone, that way. As a church we are meant to be on mission together. The apostles rarely went out alone and often in the letters requested more companions and help. I'm discovering that even in everyday life missionality, I would much rather have other people to partner with, to share the burden, to "gospel" each other, and encourage each other. I'm fiercely independent. I like to do things my way, when I want, with whom I want. That's the dark side of independence. On the flipside, I often think that serving God alone makes me depend more on Him. I've had no choice many times but to press forward alone, just relying on God for my strength and wisdom. Singleness, you know... I've glorified this independent reliance because it makes me feel better about my life. About how disconnected I am. It really has drawn me closer to God, but, though you may find this a no-brainer, I'm realizing that reliance on God and community are not dichotomous. I NEED my brothers and sisters, and that is not a bad thing. In fact, it is God's provision not only for my loneliness but for His purposes for my neighbors, my classmates, my friends, my community, the world. But... that sucks. Because that means I have to be vulnerable and admit that I need people. I hate admitting that. Maybe you won't think I'm quite so strong anymore. Maybe you'll realize I'm not God. (I know you didn't really think I'm God, but sometimes I want you to believe it.) So where does that leave me? I'm still single. And I may be single for a long time. Praise God that I have a community now that is beginning to see the importance of missional community as well. I am truly grateful for them. Still, the reality is that as I look into my future, I see myself alone. Alone in a refugee camp in Europe, or a shelter for abused women in Iraq, or as a counselor for Arab women in El Cajon. Lord, I believe in the church. I believe you have made us your body so that we can truly be a body! Working together to bring reconciliation to the world. I don't want to do this alone. I can't do this alone. I trust you to build your church and to make me a part of it. An instrument in your hand, connected to your body, accomplishing your plans. Please, Lord. I trust in you.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Brain and spirit cramps

Father, speak to me. Help me sort out all this crazy stuff. Let me see you will and your heart for this generation. And let me be unafraid to seek.