Monday, August 3, 2009

Refining

Someone told me the other day that they think God is teaching me trust in both my relationship with him and with people. It's an interesting process God is taking me through. Painful at times... He's connecting things I never realized are connected and is revealing things that are really painful to see, truly leading me to grieve over my sin. You know that verse that says, "For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me." Ps.40:12 That's how I feel. And then this morning I feel God laughing with me, showing me just how awesome he is and how much he loves me and is caring for and using me. I don't think God has ever brought me through such a "diverse" time of growth, where every single area of my life is being challenged and stretched and cut and remolded. It's tempting to shut Him out, because it's hard. Oh, Lord, give me strength to go through the refining process. Give me the courage to see my own sin and submit it to you. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your incredible love and grace! And help me remember... Thank you for your pleasure in me. Thank you that I am fully approved as your child. Thank you that you are with me every step of the way, every moment, loving, supporting, teaching, watching. Let me remember your loving gaze.

Trust... oh, how I want to force God to show me what to do, where to go, what to think, what to feel. Oh, how I want to pretend I know what the future holds so that I can prepare for it right now. How I want to ignore God's voice when He asks me to step out into the unknown. But I'm tired of that! I'm tired of trying to live my life "prepared" for whatever may come, for what I've decided will come. I'm tired of submitting to God only when it is convenient to me or when it fits in with "the plan." I'm tired of sometimes being Enoch and sometimes being Cain. Father, I want to really hear you. REALLY hear you and trust you... completely. I don't need to know the plan. I don't need to know the future or the steps to get there if I think I do know it. Your ways are SOOOOOO different than my ways, and you have such crazy ways of working that I could never figure them out or understand why you do. Father, please change my heart. Change my ways. Change my mind. Transform me so that I am living a life completely submitted to you. Completely trusting in you. Being content in taking one step at a time when you speak. Speak your ways, and let me hear, and follow, one...breathe... moment...breathe... at...breathe... a...breathe... time...breathe... moment...breathe... by...breathe... moment.