When Silence Falls

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
But there's one thing, that i'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true

When hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You
---Tim Hughes

"When the silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart..." I think I am finally beginning to understand what that means. Scripture says that the joy of the Lord will be my strength; that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me; that the God of all comfort will comfort us at all times; that God is my portion, the living water, my husband, my savior, the one who satisfies my soul. A couple of years ago I would have interpreted those words in a very different way though. I have been blessed. So blessed! Throughout my life God has been there, and he has been there in such an amazingly tangible way. I could feel him, hear him, almost see him. I never lacked comfort, internal strength and the sense of his presence. I loved him with all my heart.

Then, almost two years ago now, something changed. I was hurt more deeply than I had ever hurt in my life. I didn't understand. I began to resent that God would allow this pain, and I began to question how a God who loved me could do this. I felt betrayed, not only by the people in my life but also by the One who I thought would never betray me. Still, I went to him. I sought God with all my heart because I knew he was the only one who could bring me comfort, peace and hope. I tried to understand, to mend the brokenness, but the more I reached out the more I felt like I was grasping at darkness, the more deafening the silence became... and the betrayal was complete. This now was proof that God did not care. He didn't care about my pain, and he didnt care about my comfort or hope or future. I felt as if a blanket of darkness had surrounded me and the ground beneath me had turned into empty space. I wasn't falling or standing or walking or running. I was suspended in a place without hope or light, unable to move, my soul breaking in the reality that everything I had set my life upon had vanished. It felt like death.

In a sense, I think something was dying. A part of my faith that had clung to and depended upon those comforts that God had always given was dying. And it was excrutiating. Looking back I see God's hand all throughout that time; it was just in a way I had never experienced before and in a way that required a faith without seeing. Early on during that period of darkness I read the story of Thomas, and God continually brought that refrain to my mind throughout the journey: "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." - John 20:29  I kept asking to see, to feel him, to know, and he kept saying, "blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. Will you believe?"

So... I began to step out in faith in response to what God was showing me. Still not feeling, not seeing, not understanding, but knowing that somehow God was working, that he was the same God I have always known, but that he was much, much deeper than what I had known.  This, I can ONLY acknowledge as the Spirit drawing and humbling and softening and speaking to me, even through the hardened places of my heart. And yet, every response to the Spirit's voice was a disciplined decision to believe. It was very clear that I had a choice. I had begun to walk down the road of unbelief, and I knew where it led. I knew it led to death. That I did feel.  And as hard as the choice of faith was, I knew it was the path to life. So the Spirit continued to pierce the wall with his Word, and I continued to surrender my doubt and anger one day (or hour) at a time and to trust him one moment of belief at a time.

Gradually, these decisions to believe led to worship. I prayed and prayed for God to show me his glory and beauty, and He did. As I chose to love God not for my own benefit, but for his good, I began to see. Though he did not need my love, he accepted it. I began to see his goodness. His perfection. His utterly divine being. His unsearcheable love and wisdom. His holiness. And I found that one day I didn't care if I ever felt his comfort again because my heart was full of the vision of his beauty, and all I cared about was to worship. The more I chose to love God for who he was rather than for his blessings to me, the more I saw his glory, and the more I saw his glory, the more I loved him. And it was God who did all this through his Spirt and his Word... Oh, Lord, may that love and glory NEVER end! You are worthy of all praise, and my heart will praise you.

Today, my faith is still a discipline. Yes, there are days when faith is easy, but more days than not, faith is still a choice to believe the word of God as the Spirit calls me. A choice to believe that God is so good, that he is so great, and that his love is faithful and fierce like a warrior friend. Praise is still a choice to turn my heart to God, to look at him and to worship his beauty instead of the world around me. It is a choice to rejoice in Jesus when God's silence is all around me and darkness is all I see. "My heart says of you, 'Seek his face.' Your face Lord, I will seek."Ps.27:8

when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

Father, give me the grace to believe and to worship, always... May you have all of my heart, always, because you are worthy.